The Maynard
Fall 2017

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Unsolicited Relationship Advice

If they want to share your cheesecake, they had better be willing to share something of equal or greater value, like an all expenses paid trip to Lima. If they are unable to reciprocate with a worthy offer, they may not know how to properly assess the values of things. Check to see if they value you appropriately.

If there is a side of them that only you see, and that is the side of them that is great, they’re probably an asshole.

If they tickle you, they are a sadist. Decide if you’re about that, and act accordingly.

If they do not enjoy stories of any kind, not books, not TV, not film, not even the narrative arc of a team’s athletic season, they are likely either irreversibly dull or unbearably enlightened, and either way, they sound hard as fuck to date.

If they cook for you, offer to do the dishes. It’s only considerate. If they do not cook for you, dump a bucket of ice water on them while they sleep.

If they rub your feet as soon as you put your feet in their lap, one should let them know they are doing well by singing selections from Bryan Adams’ version of “Heaven” to them. This will reinforce good behavior.

If they slurp their tea instead of waiting for it to cool down, consider that they may simply be rebelling against an overtired Protestant paradigm. They are radical beverage imbibers. Support them. Or, employ handy clear ear plugs on coffee dates.

If they are a bad kisser, remember that you can use your words to express your personal preferences. If having that conversation seems too awkward, you can also do an interpretive dance after each kiss expressing with your body how the kiss made you feel. Actions speak louder than words.

If your relationship is all you talk about on social media, everybody hates you.

If you find a comfortable, affordable pair of pants, and they are not ecstatic for you, gather the necessary materials, construct the machine, and catapult the motherfucker into the sun.

If they don’t know who Mel Brooks is, cry for as long as you need to. Fill the new emptiness inside of you with your favourite food. Remind yourself, gently, that no one is perfect.

It is okay to be deeply suspicious of anybody who doesn’t have a hobby.

It is okay to be deeply suspicious of anybody who doesn’t appreciate your sense of humor.

It is okay to be deeply suspicious of people who are too suspicious about your suspicions. This person and you would probably create a negative feedback loop from which you will never escape, something akin to your soul being tumble dried without pause from now until eternity or until they stop making fast and the furious movies, whichever comes first.

It is important that you are able to be apart. On a related note, it is important that your romantic prospect is not an idiot around super glue.
Super glue has no tolerance for bravado. Super glue doesn’t forgive.

Remember, romantic relationships are not the only important type of relationship you are in. If once you enter a relationship, you neglect your friends in favor of your exciting new person, you’re kind of a jerk. Your friends are happy for you and all, but you’re kind of a jerk. Not only is this shitty for your friends, it sets a bad precedent about the things you are willing to give up for your partner.

It is important to ask yourself what you are willing to give up for your partner. It is easy to give up too much for your partner. Boundaries and compromise are both important. Very important. Extremely serious and important. Or so I hear. I don’t know. I break up with the motherfucker the second they ask for a bite of my cheesecake.